A mother is the first person to give us a sense of security. But what if this mother sees the child not as a person, but as a reflection of herself? What if her love depends on how much the child conforms to her fantasies? This is a narcissistic mother. She may be caring in public and destructive in private. She may smother with her "sacrifice" or coldly ignore. Children of such mothers grow up feeling they will never be good enough. But this trauma can be overcome. We tell you how to recognize a narcissistic mother and how to heal.

How to recognize a narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother does not necessarily scream and hit. Often she acts more subtly. Signs: she constantly talks about her sacrifices ("I have done so much for you"); she envies the child's success (especially a daughter); she uses the child as a therapist (complaining about her husband, life); she violates boundaries (reading the diary, entering without knocking); she criticizes appearance, career choice, partner; she cannot be happy about the child's achievements without linking it to herself ("this is thanks to my genes"); she devalues the child's feelings ("you are too sensitive", "don't make things up"). A child of such a mother never feels unconditional love — love has to be earned, be convenient, talented, obedient.

Types of narcissistic mothers

Psychologists identify several types. The mother-gobbler: she considers the child an extension of herself, does not let her separate, controls every step, even in adulthood. The mother-neglector: she is cold, emotionally inaccessible, busy with her career or lovers. The child feels unwanted. The "social narcissist": she showcases the child's achievements to get praise for herself. She harshly punishes in case of failures. The "victim": she is constantly sick, suffering, manipulating guilt ("you are sending me to the grave"). All these types cause harm, but in different ways.

Children of narcissistic mothers: what they grow up into

Scenarios vary. The child may become subdued, anxious, a perfectionist ("I must be perfect to be loved"). He may become co-dependent: his whole life looking for approval, tolerating abusive partners. He may become a narcissist himself — repeating the mother's model. He may rebel and withdraw into complete isolation. The common thing is low self-esteem, trust issues, inability to say "no", chronic guilt. Often depression, BPD, autoimmune diseases (psychosomatics) develop.

How to overcome the influence of a narcissistic mother in adulthood

The first step is to admit that there is a problem. Do not justify the mother: "She wanted the best for you". The second is to stop waiting for her love and acceptance. You will not get what is not given. The third is to establish distance. This may be a move, reducing communication to a minimum, "informational diet" (not talking about personal life). The fourth is to work with a therapist (better one specializing in child trauma). Methods: EMDR, schema therapy, CBT. The fifth is to learn to take care of yourself, stop seeking approval.

Self-help techniques

Keeping a diary. Write down moments when you feel guilt, shame. Ask yourself: "Is this real guilt or imposed?". Practice "inner parent": imagine you are talking to yourself as a little child. What would you say? "You are not guilty, you are good". Technique "stop": when the mother starts manipulating, say mentally "stop" and switch. Affirmations: "I have a right to my life". It is also important to learn to say "no" without excuses.

Forgiveness: do I need to forgive a narcissistic mother

Forgiveness is not necessary. You are not obligated to forgive someone who has not repented. Forgiveness is not for her, but for you to lift the burden. But many psychologists believe that you first need to live through anger, and forgiveness may come (or not) later. Do not force yourself. It is more important to accept that the mother will not change and stop expecting her love.

What to do if you feel narcissistic traits towards your children

You may be afraid of repeating the fate. If you recognize yourself in the description, do not panic. Awareness is already half the treatment. Seek help from a therapist. Learn to praise the child without "but" ("you are good, but you could do better"). Listen to his feelings, do not devalue them. Apologize when you are wrong. Remember: you are not obligated to be a perfect mother, just "good enough".

Examples from life: how adult children overcome trauma

Marina, 32: "I moved to another city and reduced communication to a call once a month. I felt relief. Now I am learning to say 'no' without feeling guilty." Alexey, 45: "I realized that I have been looking for approval from my bosses all my life. After therapy, I quit my job and started my own business. I communicate with my mother, but I do not expect praise from her." Elena, 28: "I forbade my mother to comment on my appearance. She was upset, but I endured. Now we communicate better — she understood the boundaries."

Overcoming the influence of a narcissistic mother is a marathon, not a sprint. But it is possible. The main thing is to stop waiting for the mother to change and start changing your own life. You deserve love not for anything, but just because you are. And this love you can give yourself.

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