When we hear the word "narcissism," an image of a self-absorbed egotist who stares at himself in the mirror and demands universal adoration comes to mind. But few think about the fact that narcissistic traits can also manifest in children towards their parents. This is not about adolescent egocentrism, which fades over time. It is about a deep, chronic behavior where a child uses a parent as an object to satisfy their needs without feeling any gratitude or empathy. A mother who becomes a victim of such narcissism often does not understand what is happening: "I gave him everything, why does he treat me like this?". Let's figure out how to recognize child narcissism and what to do about it. How does child narcissism manifest towards the mother A child narcissist does not necessarily scream and demand. His tools are manipulation, belittlement, and coldness. He may ignore his mother if she does not give him what he wants. He may publicly mock her appearance, age, and profession. He may use her as an ATM and disappear when the money runs out. He does not rejoice in her successes, but he envies and gets angry. He does not show concern if she is sick, but he demands that she take care of him. An adult son or daughter may blame their mother for all their failures ("it's you who didn't let me become a pianist"), not taking responsibility for themselves. At the same time, they demand admiration: "Look at how successful I am (despite you)". Where does child narcissism come from The causes lie in upbringing. There are two main paths. The first is overprotection and admiration. A child is convinced from a young age that he is special, talented, better than everyone else. He is not set boundaries, and he is not taught to consider others' feelings. He grows up with the belief that the world should revolve around him. In this system, the mother is the service staff. The second path is coldness and rejection. The child did not receive enough love and warmth, and as a defense, he built a grandiose "I": "No one needs me, I can handle it myself, they are all unworthy of me". Such children often look down on their mothers for weakness. Sometimes narcissism is passed genetically (from a narcissistic father), but this is rare. Age-specific features: adolescent egocentrism vs. narcissism It is important to distinguish between normal adolescent rebellion and pathology. A teenager may be rude, ignore, argue, but in a crisis situation, he still goes to his mother, he is capable of empathy (even if not always expressed), he is ashamed of his actions. A child narcissist does not experience shame. His rudeness has no limits. He is capable of cruelty. If he is refused a purchase of an expensive item, he may have a tantrum with breaking dishes or, worse, start a boycott of his mother for weeks. He does not see his mother as a person, only as a function. Consequences for the mother A mother who grows up with a child narcissist often becomes dependent herself. She walks on eggshells, afraid to provoke anger. She suffers from chronic guilt ("I didn't give enough", "I ruined him"). Her self-esteem falls, and anxiety and depression develop. She justifies her child's behavior in front of relatives ("he's just tired"). Financially, she may go broke, paying for endless whims. Many mothers remain in this trap until old age, losing their health and friends. What to do if a child narcissist is still young (5-12 years) First, stop reinforcing narcissistic behavior. Do not give in to tantrums. Set clear boundaries and rules. Second, teach empathy. Discuss the feelings of others, read books where heroes help each other. Third, praise for effort, not for results ("you're good for trying", not "you're a genius"). Fourth, do not belittle the child's feelings, but do not indulge either. Fifth, seek help from a child psychologist specializing in behavioral disorders. The sooner correction begins, the greater the chance of preventing the development of a full-fledged disorder. What to do if an adult child (18+) shows narcissism Here, the mother can no longer raise the child. The only lever is to stop financial support. Stop giving money, paying for rent, buying cars. Set a rule: "You live separately, we communicate if you respect my boundaries". If the child is aggressive, limit communication to a minimum. Do not expect gratitude - it will not be there. It is important to seek help from a psychotherapist to cope with a sense of guilt. Many mothers are afraid that if they "reject" their child, he will die. But financial support only exacerbates narcissism. Can a child narcissist change Yes, in childhood, with intensive therapy and a change in parental behavior. In adulthood, it is very rare. If a person has formed a narcissistic personality disorder (a diagnosis made by a psychiatrist), the chances of change are minimal. Therapy is possible, but only if the patient himself realizes the problem and wants to change. But narcissists rarely seek help from a psychologist because they do not see the problem in themselves, they see it in others. Therefore, the mother's task is not to "correct" an adult son or daughter, but to save herself. Difference between daughter-narcissist and son-narcissist Daughters are more likely to manipulate through guilt ("you're a bad mother because...") and use emotional blackmail. They may incite the father or other relatives against the mother. Sons are more likely to behave openly aggressively, may insult, raise their hand (already not children, but adult men). A daughter may pretend to be caring when she needs something, a son - demand directly. But in both cases, the mother suffers. Prevention: how not to raise a narcissist Love unconditionally, but do not indulge. Praise for effort, not for innate qualities. Teach responsibility: by the age of 5, a child should have household chores. Do not solve his problems for him (forgot his notebook - let him get a failing grade). Teach to lose. Do not put the child at the center of the family, but do not ignore either. Set an example of respect for the elderly and gratitude. And most importantly, do not try to live your life through your child, recognize his individuality. Child narcissism towards the mother is a heavy cross. But if you recognize yourself in this description, remember: you are not obligated to endure humiliation and exploitation, even if "it's my child". You have the right to respect and care. Sometimes the only way out is to let go to save yourself. And this is not egoism, but self-preservation.
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